ego: resisting surrender and freedom

A morning journal entry contemplating ego, nonduality, separation, and fear.

I feel like I’ve seen through the illusion of separateness. While intellectually I understand there is only one, unified reality, the ego is afraid to surrender to this knowledge. I tiptoe to the edge of the abyss, and I retreat. I wonder what will happen if I make the plunge. How will “my” life change?

Seeing through the illusion of self and separation is one thing; allowing the ego to dissolve entirely is another. I want to experience eternal unity, ego death, and the freedom promised by countless sages, but the ego wants to be there; it resists surrender.

Why is it so hard to surrender? Fighting is futile. Resistance is the cause of all suffering. Surrender and be free. What is stopping you?

The mind is obsessed with planning. If only I could arrange life just so, then I would surrender. The ego treats this endeavor as another self-improvement project, another thing to optimize. With the right type of practice and given the right accumulation of knowledge, then I’ll be ready. Wrong.

There is something in me (obviously the ego), that wants others to validate my understanding (enlightenment). “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him,” said Linji Yixuan, a ninth-century Buddhist monk. If you think you know, you’re wrong. Words are abstractions; knowledge is relative. Truth is absolute.

Ask yourself, “who am I?” Any answer is constructed, and thus insufficient. Where does the question come from? Who or what could ask, “who am I”?

The above ramblings were written after reading "Science as Spirituality" from Robert Wolfe's Living Nonduality: Enlightenment Teaching of Self-Realization. (Open source PDF on his website.)