indifference, equanimity, or part of the natural rhythm

I tend to fluctuate from high highs to low lows. When I’m up, I’m like the Energizer Bunny – I require little sleep and am physically and mentally engaged throughout the day. When I’m down, I’m entirely burnt out – I want to crawl under a rock; everything from getting out of bed to washing the dishes feels challenging. I love the (dare I say) hypomanic phases, and I despise the slumps. I used to try and control the ups and downs – I’d try to keep the good times rolling when I was up and look for anything to get out of the valley of despair. I used to feel borderline suicidal during the lows because I thought they’d never end. Having observed the ebb and flow of my mental/emotional state (and journaled about it) for several years, I’ve learned how to (1) smooth out the peaks and the valleys and (2) accept the fluctuations. When I’m low, I know I’ll rebound; when I’m high, I ride the wave while I can, but I don’t think it can (or should) last longer than it does. But the state I’m in right now feels different. 

The past week everything has felt lighter. I’m not taking my responsibilities so seriously, and I’m not in a rush to get anything done. Nothing feels essential, yet I also feel more connected and present. The character I play in the world seems to be seeing how little energy he can exert. It’s like I’m along for the unfolding of reality, but I have no attachment to how things should be. Aparigraha is the Sanskrit word for non-attachment, a concept “I” think I’m starting to understand. There is doing, but I’m just going with the flow. It feels like borderline apathy but without a negative connotation. 

I have often defined myself by what I can accomplish professionally, personally, and spiritually. The character (me) has always been considered a determined, demanding, righteous, and deeply caring son of a bitch. But this desire to exert my will on the world is fading. Is this some sort of shift? Where I would want to create and show off accomplishments to the world, I’m more reserved. It feels like I’m losing my edge. 

Could this be the “death of the personal self?” I wonder. Maybe this is the beginning of a profound shift. Concepts have less sway over how I see the world, and I’m not thinking about the future nearly as much as I used to. I’m not obsessively trying to control things. I don’t feel like I have the power to do much of anything. Something seems different. This energetic pattern doesn’t feel like a slump, yet I don’t have my familiar “drive” to do. 

My life is oriented towards achievement, success in others’ eyes, and trying to be a “good” person. My identity is largely constructed around trying to be a good person who works to create a better world while accumulating wealth, experiences, and relationships. The quests – more impact, money, growth, and wider influence – have lost their significance. Am I forgetting to tend to the important matters in consensus reality? I don’t think so. The character is still doing its thing; only it’s not taken seriously. 

Coincidentally, I listened to the above podcast shortly after writing this post.