annihilation of self: memories, dreams, ambitions

I have no compulsion to learn and grow. Quite a statement coming from someone who has built an image around reading, intellectual pursuits, and spiritual growth. What appeared once as a ceaseless desire for improvement has vanished. What happened? Do I consider myself so advanced that I no longer need to improve? Yes? No? Answering seems ridiculous because the question no longer makes sense. 

All pursuits stem from fear. The ego’s default mode is identifying and improving its inadequacies or turning attention away. What is there to become that you’re not already? I see so clearly that I was a dog chasing its (mainly spiritual) tail for years. From my perspective today, it was all part of the natural flow, though entirely unnecessary. I had so many fascinations and fixations. I needed to acquire knowledge, relationships, and material wealth, but that was all a distraction. My spiritual pursuits were no different, just a more “spiritual” veneer. 

I am shedding layers of attachment and ego, as I wrote previously. I’m stepping out of the character that identified as an intellectual, spiritual vegan, entrepreneur, etc., etc. The notion of becoming better is gone. The fear and persistent low-level existential anxiety are gone. I’ve long believed that free will is an illusion, but I had no clue what that felt like, experientially. Now I do. I keep coming back to the below quote. 

“You have two choices open to you in your attitude towards life: “iti, iti” or ‘neti, neti.” Iti iti means “This is God. That is God. Everything is God.” Neti, neti means “This is not God. That is not God. Nothing is God.” It has to be one or the other. Either everything is God or nothing is God. Either everything is important or nothing is important. Both are correct, but there is no truth in any in between.” – Swami Gitananda Giri, from Robert Wolfe’s Living Nonduality

This sounds like nihilism or heaven, but it’s not. This is reality. 

Whether it was part of the self-improvement or spiritual development project, I was always trying hard to become. Yet at my core, which is also on the surface, I am the same as ever. I just recognize that I am only a reflection. When I look in the mirror, I don’t assume that the reflection has a will and life of its own. “My” will is nothing. I’ve entered a free fall. My hands are on the wheel, and my foot isn’t on the peddle. They never have been. Now this is abundantly clear. 

I used to start and end my days journaling, writing my goals, and reflecting on progress. Everything needed to improve–work, home, family, spiritually, etc. Now, I find it difficult to want anything. It’s liberation, and it’s near insanity. What’s going to happen next? I have no idea, but I sure am curious. 

What happened to my ambitions? Where did they go? I have no desire to impress anyone. I am shedding desires left and right. When one arises, it’s investigated, seen as hollow, and discarded. Popping egoic thoughts like the bubbles I blow for my daughter–that’s how seriously my own desires seem. In the past, I wanted to prove myself, to show others that I’m smart, hardworking, caring, and whatever else. Now that’s all gone. My only concern is the pursuit of truth and, thus, by extension, the annihilation of ego. This writing, even if it makes the light of day, is not for anyone but myself. It’s just a continuation of a process that’s been going on for quite some time. 

Spiritual Autolysis–trying to write something true and keeping at it until you do–is the best possible way of identifying and eradicating our falseness because the process of writing minimizes the weaknesses and maximizes the strength of the intellect. Nothing false can survive illumination by a steady and focused mind. 

This unfolding process was recognized a few weeks ago, then accelerated as I read Jed McKenna’s Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damndest Thing. These ramblings–I’m going through something, but it has no significance. Adyashanti might say it’s “emptiness dancing.” Nothing will ever be the same. 

Does this sound like something you want to experience? Do I sound sane? It’s the clearest I’ve ever seen. I’m neither elated nor distraught. This process is something different, that’s for sure. 

Life is chaos, a beautiful mystery, and undivided Truth.