the insanity of a packed schedule (deconstructing the self)
Disclaimer: Knowing your primary aspiration is of the utmost importance. You need clarity of intent. If your goal is to become buy a bigger house, build a company, and become a successful adult human in consensus reality, that’s admirable. If you have become utterly sick of living in the dreamstate that is consensus reality and you genuinely want to wake up, then you can’t be concerned with the outcome of the character (aka success in consensus reality). This post is about my present investigation of my relationship with time and my calendar, which is undergoing a major transformation.
Schedules tell us where to go, what costumes to wear, and how we should act. Waking up shatters the illusion that there is somewhere to go, or at least that where we’re going is up to us. A well-kept calendar creates the illusion of control. Recently, planning has felt suffocating.
Most of my adult life has involved highly regimented planning of my time. I’ve defined myself by what I can accomplish and how productive I can be. Order, productivity, and achievement have been at the forefront of my life. The dreamstate character has always had a packed calendar, set goals, and worked hard to accomplish them. One human attempting to exert control over reality. It’s laughable. So I’ve been releasing the proverbial tiller…
In letting go of my fanatical planning, the character (me in the ‘normal world’) fears that I will let people down. I’ll become unreliable and thus cause problems for others (in the dreamstate). Time is the binding agent for people in consensus reality. We may disagree about a lot of things, but folks typically agree on the time. The dreamstate would be chaos if we didn’t maintain schedules.
“This urge to gain some measure of control stems directly from the eyes-closed, fear-based perspective. It’s a symptom of the Segregated State, of operating from a place of fear and distrust, of keeping a death-grip on the tiller and feeling that your mind, your little brain, is in charge, of feeling that you are an unwanted guest in a hostile world and you need to arm yourself in order to survive and thrive.”
The thought of scheduling meetings, calls, etc. is stifling. This is new for me. Fear motivates a packed calendar, and probably 99.99% of everything we, in consensus reality, do. What’s the fear? We need more money or better relationships, and then we’ll be happy? We think that if we control our time effectively, we’ll be able to acquire what we lack. Time is our most precious resource, but what’s the aim? Go back to the disclaimer–if your goal is to become a more conventionally successful character in society, you should ruthlessly allocate your time toward the necessary ends. Anyone invested in the self-improvement project will tell you to protect your time and avoid distractions. For the dreamstate character, distractions come in many forms–television, social media, etc.--anything that diverts you from accomplishing your goals. It’s an unmistakable fact: a calendar is your best friend if you want the best chances of being conventionally successful.
On the other hand, if you want to wake up, you must see that a regimented schedule is another way the egoic self exerts the illusion of control. The ego (character) seeks to reinforce its existence and (I believe) that the notion of “time management” is one of the most pervasive traps out there.
Regarding the normal constructs of consensus reality:
“These dams are very strong and generally outlive their builders. Most people manage to keep energetically reinforcing this artificial obstruction their entire lives and to die before it gives way.” — Jed McKenna in Spiritual Warfare
One of the patterns I’ve noticed is the “time management if-then.” It goes something like this, “if I knock out my worldly responsibilities, then I’ll have the freedom to pursue awakening,” or a more concrete version, “If I finish responding to emails, then I’ll be able to meditate with a clear head.” The fundamental flaw and reinforced problem is the nature of an illusory self. Awakening is the process of seeing through the illusion of self; thus, the “time management if-then” makes no sense. The continued process of awakening requires deconstructing the patterns that give rise to the illusory self. The well-maintained schedule gives the self/character a sense of control–ultimately, that must be destroyed.
““Your old relationship to time has been destroyed. You should take some time to think about that, to think about time, your time…You’re off the clock now. The race is over. When the next thing needs doing, you’ll know it.””
Taking your hand off the tiller is no small feat. It’s an act of surrender that comes with massive fear and anxiety. If you want to transcend the personal self, surrender is the only way. You can’t surrender when you are resisting the flow.
